clock wings

Wow. Time flies when you're getting married. It's been nearly a month since the big day, but over two months since I last posted. I've neglected blog land, but for good reasons.

Tonight Jesse's working late. This is the first time since we got married that I've come home and been alone. Strangely I feel like I have more time. I made salad & curried veggies plus lentils, baked muffins, cleaned up and played guitar. I haven't baked or played guitar in ages - especially guitar. Since Jesse moved to Ottawa I've felt less need to play. Since we've been nesting as a married couple, I haven't found much need or time to bake.

Looking back to a year ago when I baked a lot and spent a lot of time playing guitar, I can see that both were for a number of reasons. For one, I had more time. Add to that time, I was kind of lonely. With this hardly-any-single-people-in-it city, I found my evenings and weekends were often spent alone, so I filled them by baking and playing guitar. While muffins also served to fill my stomach, guitar also served to fill my need to do something with my emotions. It was a lot like journalling, especially when I first moved here and dad's death was still fresh.

Jesse's asked me to play for him, but I still find it much like a diary: very personal and vulnerable. I think, as close as we are, I'd feel overly exposed. I get performance anxiety, because playing for me isn't about sounding good or excelling musically, but about expressing what's in me in a way that neither pictures or writing can. I find it funny that I can't play for the person I trust most in the world, but it's not like I read him my diary either. Maybe one day... probably one day... just not yet.

In other related news, being married is amazing. It's better than I ever imagined, and no Christian friends, I'm not referring to actions in the bedroom. I'm talking about going to sleep and waking up beside my best friend (ok that had to do with the bedroom, but not the way you were thinking!), being free to hang out all of the time and not have to say goodbye at the end of the night, to have a constant ear, to be a constant ear, to pray, laugh, love and eat together (and I'm not making reference to popular books here).

Probably a year ago plus a few days, going back to before I met Jesse, I would have snickered at a post like this. I just wouldn't have understood and admittedly, I would have been a little jealous. All that gushing! Silly girl, I'd have thought. And how could you do less of what you love just because someone is in your life? Well, it's not that I will always bake less or play less guitar. It's a season in my life. Right now is the time to learn to be a loving wife, and to get to know my fantastic husband.

One year ago plus a few days (we met January 22nd, 2011), I knew I had a lot of love to give. Damn it feels good to have an amazing man to give it to!

end gushing.